Rosh Hashana 5776 (2015)

Hi everyone! On this beatiful day of Rosh Hashana I am wishing to all my Jewish friends all over the world a Happy New Year. I wish and hope the new year will bring love, peace and prosperity to Israel and to the whole world. Yosi Levy

Soup And Sound

This one happened in the uptown city of Haifa.

My friend Saul was a great musician. As a matter of fact, I thought he was one of the best keyboard players I knew.
We had an upcoming gig in one of the most elegant hotels in Haifa, the Dan Carmel hotel at the top of the Carmel Mountain, uptown Haifa.

Most of our gigs were usually in wedding halls. Some nice, some less nice. This one was fancy. No wonder we were a little nervous about this gig. Not everyday you get to play at the Dan Carmel Hotel. I was pretty exited too and hoped that this gig would be one of a kind.

At the said date, I drove to pick up Saul. Since I had a van, I volunteered to be the driver. His keyboard was usually at his parents place. They had a catering business. Their place was at the beginning of a very stiff hill that led to the Carmel Mountain, In Haifa.

Saul came down with his keyboard.. For some reason he did not look exited, in fact, he looked bothered.

“What’s up Saul!” I shouted, trying to put some excitement in him.
“Don’t ask”, he said, “my parents want me to take some soup with us, to the party.
“Soup?” I said, “I’m not even hungry, besides, we `re probably going to eat there.

“That’s exactly the point” said Saul, “my parents agreed to supply the soup for the party, and they want me to take it with us”
I wasn’t crazy about the idea, my speakers were new, and I didn’t want the steams from the soup to go too close to my new speakers and make them smell.

“Ok then,” I said, “let’s just do it quick, how many containers we have to take?”
“Three”, he said quietly, awaiting my response.
“It’s ok, let’s just do it”.

Saul felt embarrassed, he brought the three big containers to me, and I was trying to figure how to put it as far from the speakers as possible. Finally I was able to organize it nicely, and we started the car.

This road was the shortest road to the top of the Carmel mountain, but it was also very stiff and winding.
I was proud of my self and my driving. I drove real careful, trying not to make short stops or fast turns. I didn’t like soup-smelling speakers. In about 20 minutes we were there.

Saul went back and opened the trunk. When I heard him scream ”Dam it,” I knew something happened.

I went back and looked with fear. All three containers were opened and spilled all over the back of the van. Saul was very angry with his parent’s idea to share with us their catering delivery. He felt so bad, that I had to be the one to pretend that it`s no big deal. “Anyway, I was going to change those speakers”, I said, “ they’re too heavy”.

Mean while, our drummer, Ari came out to meet us.
He came much earlier than us. The bride and the groom were his friends and he wanted to make sure that everything goes real well.

“Ari,” come and give us a hand “ we asked him.
“As long as it doesn’t interfere with my good looks,” he responded. Ari was a great drummer and a funny gut too. He always liked to joke, making us feel good.

When he realized what happened, he was getting anxious. We turned the speakers upside down and got some of the water out of it. I told them that I would just clean the car later on, so every thing should run smooth.

We put the two speakers on stage. The smelled terrible. I never saw Ari as nervous as he was this day. He was Actually grinding his teeth.
“Relax, Ari” I said, “ nobody died from the smell of good soup before” I tried to cheer him up.
He smiled one of his famous great smiles and we were ready to play.

We started with soft background music. We knew the speakers were very wet, so we went easy to make sure they are actually working.
The mother of the groom, Rebecca, came and asked us to pick up the beat. She was dressed nicely and had a fancy hairstyle. When she was done talking she sniffed with her nose, maybe thinking that one of us had a bad stomach.

We picked up the beat and started to play disco music. Disco was very popular in the seventies.
When the party was getting hot, we raised the volume and got into the mood, forgetting our earlier problem. The bride and groom were dancing now together with the parents and all the guests and we all felt good. We wanted so much for this party to succeed, and it did.

At the hit of the music I felt something hitting me. I looked at my feet. There was a piece of carrot that smashed into my feet. I looked at Saul. He was looking at the speakers. Several pieces of carrots and split pee were coming out of them. I felt being washed with cold sweat. Ari knew about it before me. He saw the pieces smashing out of the speakers. He was grinding his teeth.

I told them to smile and pretend that everything is great, but the carrots and split pea was pouring out from the pressure in the speaker. One stubborn piece of split pea got stuck at Rebecca’s fancy hairstyle. She looked very surprised to find something greasy on her hair, but she just pushed it away with her hand.

After ten minutes of dancing, it became too obvious that something is going on. The smell was horrible, the floor looked ridiculous and it was full of carrots, split pea and onions. Just to make it a little worse, the headwaiter came to Saul and asked him where is the soup that we brought.

We had to tell him the truth. “It’s all over the floor” said Saul. We stopped the music and asked the headwaiter to have someone come and clean the floor.

Meanwhile, the guests became curious about what is happening. The more we wanted them seated, the more curious they were. Many of them came closer to watch what was happening.
The dance floor was embarrassing. The headwaiter realized how bad it was. Suddenly he moved fast, to get something to clean the greasy dance floor. He wasn’t very careful walking on it, and suddenly; boom!, he slipped over some vegetables on the floor.

It was a mess, Ari was grinding his teeth harder, Saul was swearing that he will never speak to his parents again, and I decided to put my speakers on sale for the lowest bidder.
The angry headwaiter called us to the kitchen and told us that as far as he is concerned, we will never work in the Dan hotel, ever again.

We didn’t know what to say. There was a strange silent and we didn’t know how to break it.
Luckily, the phone rang and saved us from the silence.
“It is your father” said the head waiter, “He wanted to know how was the soup”

Epilogue:

It turned that the headwaiter actually saved us when he fell. Everyone was laughing so hard, having a great time; they thought it was pretty amusing.
He kept his promise though, and we never got to play in this hotel ever again.

Dedicated to the memory of my friend Saul.

Yosi Saffi Levy.

Who Let The Kids Out?

This one took place at the Mesquite club in Palm Springs, California.

This was a wild party. The bride and groom were relatively young, and so were most of their guests. The band was playing hot Rock tunes and almost everybody were dancing.
Well, almost everybody.

At the corner of the room, near the buffet table, there was a middle-aged man standing, with 3 kids with him. He didn’t seem interested in the music or dancing what so ever. In fact, he seemed very annoyed to see every one is having a great time. He just hated the music too. The man looked as if he was only interested in the food.

He tried to catch our look, and when he did, he signaled to us to lower the music. He didn’t bother to come to us. He was too far, so he just used a body language. The man wasn’t nice about it, he was even a little insulting. Most of the guests were very complimentary, but he was different. He didn’t care about celebrating, it seemed, he just wanted to eat and run. Why would anybody bring 3 young kids to a wedding party, where everyone was much older?

The kids seemed pretty tired and bored, almost as if they were forced to come to the wedding. Maybe it was one of their young uncles who they never met before, getting married?

The man with the 3 kids was standing near the buffet and waiting. The buffet was not ready yet, so he looked even unhappier.
From the very start when he first showed up he look at the band with an angry expression and use impolite body language to tell the band to stop the music.

Later on, his requests became more and more aggressive. we got really annoyed with him. How selfish, we thought, everyone is having a great time dancing but this one person wanted the music to stop just so he can feel more comfortable.

As much as things got hotter on the dance floor, the more that this person became more aggressive. We used body language to show him that we can’t stop the music just for him, while everybody else is dancing. We pointed at the dance floor. The bride and groom were dancing in the middle of the dance floor, while everyone was cheering around them.
The father of the bride, Allen, was still a young man. He was divorced, good looking, and appeared to be one of those "big shots" in town. He had a young girl friend dancing with him.
The Mother of the groom was single too. She was still very pretty and seems a little shy. While, Allen, the father of the bride was very dominant at the party, she was relatively quite and felt like she was just one of the guests.

My mind was working extra hard. I really couldn’t stop the music, just so one person can eat in peace..
Eat in peace? The food wasn’t even served yet. So why is this guy so angry? Is he that hungry?

There was a point were I didn’t want to look toward him anymore, because I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to bother me.
He must have realized that too, because he started coming closer to the stage and demand, almost threatening, to stop the music.

I let the next two threats pass bye, but at the third time he came, I had enough.

We stopped the music in a very dramatic way. I went down the stage, feeling very angry I approached the father of the bride. He seemed very surprised to see me walking toward him so rapidly.

"Allen", I said, "there is one of your guests who is driving me crazy". "He is very impolite, and he keep asking me to lower the volume or stop the music, while everyone else is having such a great time."
"First of all" said Allen, "no one should tell you what to do", "I’m the one who is paying you, and I actually want you to play even louder". The father of the bride looked around him. Some of the guests started gathering near by. He liked the commotion. "Please raise the volume a little more for me, I’m in the mood" he said.
After few seconds he asked me "who is this guy, anyway?"

"The man in corner, near the buffet, with the 3 kids" I said, hopping not to cause too much troubles.
Allen looked a little surprised. He looked and he looked as if he can’t believe what he sees. "Who is this man" he almost shouted. "Does anyone here know this man?"

He turned around him, but no one seem to know the man with the three kids.
"This is not my guest" shouted Allen.

Things started to get hot. Almost everyone came around the father of the bride to find out what is the commotion all about.

The father of the bride started to walk toward the unknown guest that had the "Chutzpah" to invited three more little one to crash the party.

The stranger looked pretty uncomfortable. He looked at me first with a helpless look. I felt really bad for him. If I knew he was uninvited, I wouldn’t say anything.
"May I ask you who you are?" says the father of the bride.
"Well," says the stranger, "I was walking outside with my children when I heard the music, so I just thought I’ll come in and eat something"
Some of the guests including the bride’s father, Allen, just couldn’t believe it.
"Do you realize that this is a privet party?" Allen asked the man!
"No," said the stranger in a very short answer and started to walk toward the stairs, leading outside, ready to leave.

Allen looked too shocked to be able to think what to do next. He was looking for words as for what to say next to the weird stranger. One of the three kids broke the silent, turned to his father and asked him: "Aren’t we going to eat? Daddy"

This was un expected, there was a silent in the air that you could cut with a knife. I could swear that I saw some tears falling on some guest’s faces. It felt like there was dynamite ready to explode.
Everyone turned to the father of the bride to see what he would do.

Allen was a good person. I knew him several years before, when I played for his 2 sons Bar Mitzvahs.
He swallowed his saliva, trying to make the right move and then he said: "I’m not going to let you and your little kids go home hungry, you can stay here and eat".
Then, he smiled to the stranger and said, "but, would you, in the name of God, stop complaining about the music and let us have fun?"
The stranger returned a half smile, for the first time, and all the guests clapped their hand, cheering and praising the goodness of the father of the bride.
I looked at the band members they seemed very amused. I think they knew what I was thinking. We got ourselves into a soap opera? I said, "Lets play".

Before I went back to the stage, I came closer to the stranger, and asked him why he
wanted us so much to stop the music.
"As long as the guests were dancing," he said, "the food wasn’t being served, and I was hungry", then he continued, "Now you can play"

We played:” Strangers In The Night"...

Epilogue:

It actually turned to be a great party, and the guest had more excitement than they bargained for. Needless to say that this stranger stole the show, we almost forgot it was a wedding.

Yosi Saffi Levy.

Not Without My Guitar

This story took place in a wedding in the port of Akko, Israel.

Peppy was a funny guy. He was an unofficial booking agent; he booked bands for clubs, and weddings, and things like that. It seemed that most of the time, he was disorganized, and either booked the same band for two gigs or booked a party before he actually made sure that there was a band available.
Even though he was very charismatic and likeable, he always got himself into trouble and somehow pulled himself out of it.

It was one of those beautiful spring mornings when he called me to ask if I was available to perform in a wedding on one Tuesday, May 15.
Unfortunately I told him that I was already booked for that night. He responded with his typical response of Ay, Yai, Yai.
Peppy was known for that, though. He always got stuck without a band after he already took the responsibility of booking entertainment for a client.

"Do you have someone to recommend?" he asked me. Since I was usually the vocalist and the guitar player on my gigs, I couldn’t think of anyone else who could sing and play the guitar as well.
"I can recommend to you a guitar player" I said, "but he doesn’t sing". "Oh, no, Mama Mia", he said, " I need a singer too."
"I’m sorry,” I said, "He doesn’t sing"
Peppy hung up the phone, not hiding his disappointment. He already promised a band for a wedding in a pretty fancy place: Palm Beach hotel, in the old city of Akko, right on the waters of the Mediterranean sea.

A day after, he called back and he said that he found a singer, so he will hire the guitar player. I asked him who was the singer and he said a guy named Lonny. God help us, I thought to myself, because this singer had a very small repertoire.
I called my friend, Musco, the guitar player and gave him the info about the gig in the hotel on the beach.
From now on, the guitar player, Musco, is telling the story.

The hotel was beautiful and the wedding hall was outside right on the water. If you looked down, you would see the seawater under you.
Since I don’t sing and I never met the singer before, and I had no idea what he was going to sing, I tried to fill up a big part of the evening with instrumental guitar melodies.
After about half an hour, the brother of the groom came to me somewhat angry and impatient and said to me: "can you guys start running the evening and start singing, talking, and inviting people to the dance floor, or what?"
I said: "no problem" and asked the singer, Lonny, to start singing.

Lonny sang his 2 songs and told me: "ok, now it’s your turn"
"I don’t sing" I said, "I can only play, you are the singer".
"Peppy told me that you sing too, I only know 3 more songs, let’s keep them for later then, play more instrumental music"
I had no choice and, with uneasy feelings, I started to play instrumental music, the same exact tune I had just played.

The brother of the bride marched over extremely angry. "If you guys don’t start singing I’m going to take this guitar and throw it into the sea!"
I felt very uncomfortable, even though I am not a small guy, I came to play and have fun, not to fight. What made it even more serious was the fact that both sides of the bride and the groom were of Moroccan heritage, and they are known to be hot tempered. I asked Lonny again to start singing.

Lonny sang the only 3 songs that he knew and again told me to play melodies.

Suddenly, without any other warning, the brother of the bride came to me and tried, forcefully, to take the guitar away so he could literally throw it into the sea water, outside the stage.

There was a forceful fight going on, while I was fighting to save my guitar, holding on real tight to it.
At this point, Peppy, who was there through the whole thing, realizing that there was going to be troubles, ran away for his life.
Musco was a big guy and he wasn’t going to let the sea waves assume his guitar. The brother of the bride was pulling it with all his strength; Musco continued to hold it with all his being.

At some point, just to make things worse, the brother of the groom came to join
his new brother in-law to gain a hold on the expensive guitar just to dump it into the sea.
The harder that Musco was holding on into the fight, the angrier the two were. With the encouragement of other family numbers that were watching the fight, they suggested to throw the stubborn guitar player, with his guitar, into the sea.

To be safer, Musco moved himself toward the other side of the stage, farther from the water. The two family members were getting more angry now that they couldn't do what they wanted to, and grabbed a stronger hold on Musco’s dear guitar that was about to be ending her life right here in the sea.

At some point, the brother of the bride got really hysterical, yanking hard without any sense, lost his hold of the guitar, and suddenly found himself 10 feet below, swimming against the deep sea waves, right where he wanted to send the guitarist.

While the brother of the bride was screaming for help, and everybody else was shouting to do something, Musco knew that his life was in danger. At the first opportunity he had, he started running with his guitar, toward his car, faster than ever.
He told me "I remember failing every running contest in my younger days in school, hardly making it to tenth place. If I would have run as fast as I ran from that crazy mob, I would have set a world record." When he got home he was still shaking from the strange gig he just experienced. He could hardly wait to meet me to tell me the story.

Epilogue:

Later on we learned that Peppy did not just run away. While the riot was going on, he actually went to make some urgent phone calls until he found another band to come and save the rest of the evening.

We never found out, though, how Peppy got out of this one, but here is some advice:
If you’re planning to be a musician one day, make sure you are really good, unless you are a big guy or a good swimmer.

Yosi Saffi Levy

Where Is Everybody?

This wedding took place in a small Kibbutz in northern Israel called Kibbutz "Lehava" (name changed).

An agent in Haifa booked us for this gig, so we never were able to talk to the bride and groom or meet them in advance.
All we knew was that the party was to be in the recreation room of kibbutz Lehava at 7:00 PM Wednesday.

At approximately 6:30 that night we arrived at the kibbutz. There was nobody anywhere to be found. We were getting nervous, it was already late and there was no one there to ask. We drove around until we saw a place that looked like a typical recreation room. The room was dark, the door was locked and the whole area looked like a ghost town. It looked as if there was a monster lurking about in the street and everybody had locked themselves in their houses afraid to come out.

Our first thought was that we had come to the wrong place, and somewhere out there hundreds of guests were waiting for us to entertain them, and here we were, stuck in this G-d forsaken place. Or, maybe it was the right place but the wrong date. If we could only ask someone, but where on earth was everybody?

It was already 7:30 and nothing was happening. Why were all the windows closed? How come there was nobody walking around? Were we even in the right kibbutz? Did we read the signs correctly?
Needless to say, we started to blame each other for getting the wrong information from the agent. In those days there were no cellular phones, no beepers, no way to communicate with our booking agent. We could ask somebody to use their phone but all the houses seemed bolted and locked up like the devil was just on the other side of their doors.
Feeling very hopeless we just sat in the car, knowing that something here was very wrong. What was going on?

Around 7:55 we saw a man dressed in shorts and sandals slowly approach the door looking very bored. It was hard to believe but he actually had the key and was ready to open the door. I jumped out of the car like someone who had just seen the Messiah. I quickly approached him and asked if this was the recreation room. "Yes" he said, not even looking at me. "Is there a wedding here tonight"? I asked, anxiously awaiting the answer. "Yes" he answered again emotionlessly. "Are you sure"?.. Yes"
I ran back to the guys to give them the good news but they were too frustrated to believe it. "Ask him again" they said, "Where is everybody?"
I ran in, the door was open now and he was moving some tables. "Where is everybody?" I asked. "They’ll come". "Are you sure?" "Yes."
This guy had no excitement in his voice and it looked like he just wanted do his thing, set the tables and go. I couldn’t help it any more so I asked him, not hiding my anger: "Do you mind telling me who you are?" .."The groom" he said.
"What??? You’re getting married in shorts?"
"No, I’ll change into pants after I set the tables."
Is this guy for real?

This building consisted of 2 rooms, a large main room and a separate smaller room that looked like a hallway leading to the bathroom. My friends, naturally, started to set up in the big room. "You should set up in the small room" he said, "the big room is for the food." "No one will even see us in the other room" we argued feeling defeated, "It is completely isolated. No one will even know we are there."
"It’s ok, they’ll hear you".

Sometime around 8:15 we heard some activity. Everything was still closed but we could see two buses arriving.
A loud and noisy group poured out of them. The group, cheering and shouting, was the complete opposite of the silent people of the kibbutz with their windows and doors locked up tight.
The bride appeared pregnant and could hardly walk. She looked like she was ready to deliver any minute. The guests from the bus rushed into the room cheering and shouting, ready to burst open the doors. It seemed as if they wanted to perform the wedding before the bride actually delivered the baby.

We started to play for ourselves; No one else was there to listen. I could swear I heard one of my guys snoring. The guests were all in the other room feasting on the food, probably starving from their long journey. I think one guy, on his way to the bathroom, actually noticed us there and said, "You guys are good."

They all left as suddenly as they arrived. In less than an hour there was nobody there beside some messy tables and us.
We packed up our equipment in a strange silence. I was hoping that one of us would promise to kill the booking agent, but nobody said anything.

Epilogue:
Later, we found out that the groom, who was Ashkenazi, got a Moroccan woman pregnant and had to marry her. In those days, you couldn’t get a Moroccan woman pregnant and live to tell about it unless you married her. All the people in the kibbutz had shunned the wedding and the unwanted bride.

Yosi Saffi Levy

Going Down on Your Wedding Night

This story occurred in Haifa Israel.

The wedding hall was full of excited guests, and after a few drinks during the cocktail hour, everything looked even more exciting. The bride and groom, Naava and Avner were ready to go under the Chuppa to exchange vows. When the ceremony was about to start, everybody was seated, except for to the family members, and the best man that joined the bride and groom under the chuppa.

The Rabbi was reciting Hebrew blessings. He turned to the groom and said, "Repeat after me. "You are Hereby sanctified to me according to the laws of Moses and Israel..."

The groom was very nervous, and he was just about to repeat the sentence, but suddenly something very strange happened. He collapsed onto the floor of the Chuppa with a loud boom. The bride was at a loss what to do.“ Avner! Get up, what happened to you?” She looked scared and surprised as if she were thinking: Oh, did I pledge my life to an unhealthy man?
Her mother exclaimed, "I knew there was something wrong with him". "Let's just cancel everything right now". It didn’t look as if she was thinking too much about what she was actually saying. Naava! "Let’s get out of here." She added hysterically.

Many guests ran to the stage to see what happened, they were crowded around the chuppa staring down at the fainted groom.
Meanwhile people started splashing water at the groom's face, and slapping him, but he wouldn't snap out of it.

As the bandleader and emcee, I grabbed the mike, and asked the guests to return to their seats so the groom could get some air, but the guests wouldn't listen. It seemed they couldn't tear themselves away.

After a long while the groom woke up, looking dazed and confused, wondering what just happened. He looked embarrassed noticing everyone was staring at him.
I took the mike again, and asked everyone to sit down, assuring them that the groom is ok, but they wouldn’t go, as they didn’t believe that the groom was really ok.

I went to the groom who was now just getting up, and asked him to come to the mike, and reassure everyone that he was ok.
The groom walked over to the mike, still a little unsteady, and assured the crowd that he was ok, although he didn’t seem so. No sooner had he finished his sentence, when, boom, he was down again.

Someone brought a glass of water for the groom, but for some strange reason, the bride took it and drank the water. She was close to being hysterical. Several seconds after that, I saw her running out. Once again, some family members started slapping the groom, wiping his face with cold towels until he finally woke up.

The Rabbi said "Mazal Tov" and was ready to continue with the strange ceremony, but now something even stranger happened. The bride was nowhere to be found. I told the family, that I saw her running away from the stage, and many guests volunteered to look for the disappeared bride.

One of the guests came back running, saying that he tried the powder room and it was locked from the inside. All the efforts were now concentrated on opening the powder room.

The groom who felt better now, came closer and started to talk to the bride through the door. “Naava! I was just too nervous, I’m ok now,” There was no response what so ever, not even a sound of crying or any other sound.

The parents of the bride, as well as the groom, were getting nervous, what if she tried to kill herself? Nobody imagined in his wildest dream, just an hour ago, that they would be calling the bride through a locked door.

For almost 15 minutes that seemed like an eternity, family and friends and many guests were calling to the bride to come out, but there was no sound beyond this door.

Someone called the janitor who came with a bunch of keys. He was aware of the anxiety of everyone, and quickly attempted to open the locked door. Finally the door was opened, the janitor was the first to go in. There was no sound or a scream or anything happening. He just came out puzzled, and the groom rushed in followed by many guests.

The bride, laid down on a small couch, was sleeping like a baby.

It was strange to see the same scene happening again in less than half an hour, but now it was the bride who had to wake up. After few slaps and some shouting, she woke up, surprised to sea herself in such a situation. A small plastic bottle fell out of her hands.

However, everything worked out, the bride and groom were awake and were able to remain standing to the end of the ceremony, and through the rest of the evening.

Epilogue:
Later on, the bride explained that being so nervous, she took a Valium to relax, and having some wine just before that, made her fall asleep.

I never found out what was the problem with the groom, but I hear the bride and groom are still happily married, and he hasn't gone down since...neither has she.

Yosi Saffi Levy